A day to tell our partners how much we love them. Hmmm. But what happens with all those who just broke up with their partners? Those who were deceived and do not want to trust in love again? What happens with all those people who are still searching for their soul mate despite years and years of unfruitful searching? Or those who are desperate to find someone to love because they do believe in love. What happens to those who wait in hope that this year their “Valentine” will finally realize that they love them… but they won’t; and they will spend another year alone waiting in hope with a sour smile in their faces.

Honestly, Valentine ’s day might have started as a day to celebrate love but nowadays it has become another day to force people to shop compulsively for things that they don’t need or they don’t want to buy in order to express their love. Most men know that they will be in trouble if they don’t buy an expensive present for their women. So, they buy an expensive present, not as an expression of their love, but as a way to avoid trouble. Like in Monopoly, they are buying their “get out of jail” cards.

Do not take me wrong, I am a romantic person, a dreamy girl wants the happily ever after. I believe in love. I love and I am loved dearly but I hate to see how Valentine’s day has become another commercial festivity to sell flowers, chocolates, jewelery, cards with silly messages and stuffed animals. Not just that, but I see my single friends, those who by choice or force are alone and I feel sorry for them on Valentine’s day. Not because they are single, oh no! I feel sorry because all the ones who are in couples make them feel as if they were missing something just because they get a silly little card and a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

There need not even be the slightest emotion attached, nor thought behind the gift. We are told, in ads on radio and television, how a simple phone call and valid credit card is all it takes to send flowers or candy to your "special someone" and it is guaranteed to arrive in time for Valentines Day. Presumably, the recipient can feel emotionally "validated" by getting a gift delivered in full view of their co-workers.

I find it somewhat amusing that just one week after one of the best days of the year for most men, Super Bowl Sunday, comes one of the most dreaded -- Valentines Day. For the record, I am not a misogynist. My beef with Valentines Day is not the gifts themselves, but the high expectation and complete lack of spontaneity involved in this manufactured "holiday."

Why has love become so monetized in the first place? Why is saying, "I love you" somehow less valuable than sending a dozen roses that will be dead within a week? Really you're partner should be treating you extremely nicely everyday. Buying you flowers once in a while, taking you out for dinner every now and then. NOT just because it's 'Valentines Day.'

Why I Hate Valentine’s Day

~ If I say that I hate Valentine’s Day, most people automatically will think that I am either an old angry spinster or -for those who know me and know that I am neither old or a spinster- I am just having a very rough period in my love life. Neither of them is true, but most people do not understand how someone who is happy in a relationship cannot like and look forward to Valentine’s Day.

~ I never know what to buy as a Valentine’s present. Having just come out of Christmas it is difficult to find another original present for Romeo.

~ It has been horrible every time I have been single. All my friends in a relationship had something special planned for February 14th and they felt sorry for me if I said I was staying in watching TV or reading a book. It didn’t bother me at all staying in like any other day, but I felt humiliated at my friends feeling sorry for me!

~ When I have been in a relationship the presents have rarely been up to romantic standards. I am a very romantic person. I expect Prince charming to bring the moon down for me. Now when Charming appears with a Hallmark card and a box of chocolates bought at the Gas station – with the price still attached- when he knows I am on a diet… that is disheartening. The worst part is having to pretend to be pleasantly surprised and thankful that he remembered Valentine’s day.

~ There are so many beautiful poems in classic literature that it is annoying to read the silly messages written in most commercial cards. Why can Romeo not take 20 minutes of his time and copy for you one of your favorite love poems; even better, why can he not write you a few words of his own! The only Valentine’s card I have ever kept is one a man made for me himself.

~ All the couples you know look so in love on Valentine’s day that it sucks! You know he is double timing your friend, but you don’t say anything because she never told him that she was a stripper before she met him, and anyway it is not your business. But all the displays of false perfect love just want to make you throw up. You know that later that night they will be arguing again about something trivial.

~ I hate to hear the competitiveness between girls on Valentine’s Day. Someone boasting about their enormous bouquet of flowers, while the other one claims that her man really loves her because he never takes her out but tonight they are going to the best restaurant in the city. Doesn’t she realize that it is only a Valentine’s Day marketing game, he never takes her out except on Valentine’s Day, and she is delighted. Poor girl!

~ Valentine’s Day, like weddings, Christmas and New Year’s celebrations bully us into losing weight. Women are desperate to lose all the extra grams that they gained during the Christmas holidays in order to wear their red Valentine’s lingerie. Why wait for Valentine’s, can’t we just lose weight because of ourselves, because we want to look our best ALL the time?

~ If you are not in a relationship and you go out with a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, the odds are that anyone who sees you will think you are a lesbian.

~ Most men are not very romantic and you will end up disappointed but you’ll boast about your present next day at work anyway.

In my ideal world I would like to be romanced every single day of the year. I would like to feel loved and needed every day, not just one silly day in the calendar. Why not celebrate love every time we can? I don’t need a special day or a special occasion to tell my boy that I love him that I am head over heels about him. I don’t need someone to remind me in the calendar that it is time to send him a loving card or a message. He doesn’t need a day marked in the calendar to make me feel special.

Valentine’s day might be a positive celebration for the shop keepers, restaurants, jewelers and other businesses, but it doesn’t do much for your relationship.

XOXO,
Donna

Why I Don't Want To Be a Vampire

So I woke up this bright and sunny morning thinking about vampires. While you may think about coffee, the person lying next to you, what to wear to work, or how close you now are to Friday and the weekend, I think about vampires.

I never claimed to be normal.

Anyway, maybe the reason I'm thinking about vampires so much is that I am reading a Sookie Stackhouse novel, and, at the same time, watching season 3 of True Blood on HBO.

I am sort of on vampire overload, which brought me around to thinking about if I'd want to be one. It didn't take me long to come up with the answer, kind of like Amy Winehouse's response to rehab. Do I want to be a vampire?

I said, "no, no, no."

The answer surprised me. After all, through most of my years I was enthralled with the undead, vicariously living (deading?) out their experiences in such books and movies as The Hunger, Interview with the Vampire, and 'Salem's Lot. I am beginning to see the tortured, not-so-glamorous side of the undead.

See, here's the thing. I want to die. No, I don't mean I want to die right now, give me at least a couple more decades, maybe more. But the prospect of being immortal doesn't hold the appeal it did for me when I was say, twenty five..

I'd like to think with age comes at least a smidgen of wisdom and that wisdom tells me that being immortal would be a nightmare. Now that I'm a little older, I can see the many stages I've already passed through and know that there are more to come. These stages have taught me who I am as a person and have resulted in at least a little growth (and I'm not talking physical growth). I have accomplished a few things I wanted to accomplish. I have 2 children, found a wonderful partner, etc. There's a progression there. The responsibilities of being immortal are daunting. I need a rest! I can't imagine hundreds or thousands of years more of trying to fill up my time.

But that's not the worst of it. Being a bit older has also taught me something very serious. It's taught me about loss. I've lost my grandmother, grandfather, beloved aunts, uncles, and friends. Each loss takes a little something more away from me. It would be a true horror to live forever, every few decades losing all of your loved ones while you go on. That's terrifying. That's tragic.

So, if any bloodsucking fiend knocks on my door one night, I will turn him away with a polite, "No thank you."

Space Invaders

We've all experienced an "Invader" at some time or another. You know, that one person who gets a little too close and invades your personal space. It might be someone you know, perhaps even a friend, who happens to be a "close talker," as played out in a popular episode of Seinfeld. They just don't seem to notice they're two inches from your face. You can tell they ate garlic bread with their lunch and that their wool sweater is, in fact, scratchy due to the fact it's scratching you. However most Invaders are strangers to us; someone at the grocery store who steps right up to your cart as you're still unloading it, peering into your purse and trying to shove their own gallon of milk and toilet paper onto the conveyor belt alongside yours. By the time you get the bags reloaded into your cart and you're ready to swipe your debit card, there's the Invader, standing right in front of the machine with a 'Terminator' like stance that's not soon going to budge. I literally feel smothered, very uncomfortable. I want to come out of my skin and run away.

You inch over as best you can, shooting them a quick smirk as if to say ‘excuse me,' when all the while you're screaming inside, ‘get the hell outta my way!" You can feel them breathing down your neck as you enter your pin number. The cashier hands you the receipt and finally, you're free.
Do these people not understand the unwritten social law of personal space?
I'm sure if someone did the same to them, they would not appreciate it.  I'm a firm believer that each of us "owns" the space around our bodies, at least a few feet in diameter. Is that too much space to ask?

 
It's just a given that no one wants to be that close to another human while trying to have a conversation or get through a line at the store. I do realize that personal space differs from culture to culture, but the instances I've experienced have been with people of my same demographic.

I have even experienced a stranger invade my personal space and then upon deciding to leave, brush against me! Now that is just uncalled for! Unless you are my boyfriend, it's safe to say that I do not want your body touching mine.

If you know someone who gets a little too close, try taking a step backward. Most will get the hint and back off. The others will just remain clueless Space Invaders.

Prohibition of the Digital Kind

OK, I have some bad news for you: The more you e-mail, tweet, post messages on Facebook or Myspace, etc.. the less clever you become. With the advent of ever more capable mobile devices, people are online ALL the time, everywhere. You see people texting while waiting in line for their coffee, while exercising in the gym, while going up or down in an elevator, even stopped at a traffic light. The opportunities to make the tiniest windows of time productive or entertaining become almost endless. But the achievement comes at a price. Scientists are discovering an unexpected side effect: The higher digital input we receive, the less time our brains get to process information, learn and become creative. In other words, we need downtime to get new insights and new ideas.

This doesn’t really come as news to me. I have always found a walk on the beach or on a mountain trail with a long view to be a very good “idea producing” event. In fact, on an ongoing basis, I find my best ideas come to me in the morning shower or on my hour long drive to work when my mind is still fresh and when I’m not even close to my computer.

There is no question what’s best for our own fulfillment and for society’s success - our creativity. And it appears that in order to serve that creativity we have to be less online. Almost certainly, downtime lets the brain go over experiences it’s had, solidify them and turn them into permanent long-term memories. While downtime for the brain may be a good recipe, it will be hard to sell in this age of increasing digital addiction. Almost a century ago Americans found it better for their people and society when alcohol was forbidden. It was not a successful experiment and I’m not proposing that a “digital prohibition” would be a great solution. But apart from the needs of our brains, I’m wondering where we are going when we would more and more replace the digital experience with a real one. When I wanted to play with a friend when I was young, I went to her home, knocked on the door and hoped she was there.

Now we simply check out statuses on Facebook, rarely even make a call, let alone go on an unexpected visit that may lead to unexpected real-life experiences.

There is a strange loneliness when the ongoing communication is more often with someone who is not next to you.

Digital communication is NOT the real thing. People send emails when they find it hard to make a call or even face the person they have a message for. I'm guilty of it. have seen so many email trails leading nowhere other than to confusion and alienation between people, that I very much sympathize with the CEO who said recently in an interview that he never reads an email that he is copied on.  When you really need someone, call her or him, or better yet, make a visit.

Modern communication is great, but it is as with alcohol - moderation and responsibility are required to really enjoy it. So whenever a waterproof mobile device is launched, I will decline. I need my offline moments under the shower :)

My Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

  

CHAPTER ONE

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.... I  am helpless.
It isn't MY fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

CHAPTER TWO

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't MY fault.
I still takes a long time to get out.

CHAPTER THREE

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
It is MY fault.
I get out immediately.

CHAPTER FOUR

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

CHAPTER FIVE

I walk down another street.

Do Soul Mates Exist?

I have always wondered if there was really such a thing as having a soul mate.  After debating it for years and years, (and usually on the negative side of it) I believe that there very well may be a possibility.

 I agree that two people may have a very deep connection.  My logical mind wonders ... Out of almost 7 billion people in the world, have I indeed found my soul mate right here in the very city I dwell?

Assessing your relationship is the first step to making it last. In finally finding the one, examine first whether a relationship is in the long run, truly good for you or not.  Here are pointers on how to check true soul mate connection.

•     Not necessary to be identical.   It isn’t necessary for your soul mate to be just like you in order to be happy.  In fact, often couples with different temperaments can complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses.  For example an extrovert might be drawn to an introvert.  I’m all about opposites attracting, to a point.
•      You accept each other.One of the crucial indicators of being soul mate is truly accepting each other, right from the get - go.

Letting go and fully accepting each other, and ‘surrendering’ to each other is a sure sign of soul mate potential.  If you're in a committed relationship but are trying to control each other in some way (he wants you be less of a chatterbox, you insist he change careers), think twice about pursing the relationship.

Control is the enemy of intimacy, often times, we believe we're bound to land our soul mates if we only learn how to manage, control, and manipulate the outcome of every situation. Only when you both can say I accept her or him sincerely and honestly, will you be on your way to building a lasting coupledom

•         You're available physically and emotionally for each other.  Women have a feminine side that's soft, tender, vulnerable, and receptive. That part of her wants to be taken out to dinner, walked home, asked out, thought of, caressed, and just plain taken care of. It's the part of her that relished in felling protected and cherished. These are the same qualities and needs that have drawn men to her and these are the qualities that a real soul mate must recognize fulfill.

•         You AGREE to disagree.   One of the surest signs of soul mate potential is a couple's ability to resolve disagreement and conflict in a way that suits them both. This means that you see eye to eye when it comes to communicating your needs and shortcomings.

Soul mates understand one another’s needs unconditionally, and the union works in good as well as bad times. In fact, experts believe that men and women , instead of going through the dating process to find their soul mate , should  instead, simply be given unpleasant tasks to complete together - to see if they laughed or bit each other's head off throughout the ordeal, as a way to test their compatibility.  More

often than not, two people who are right for each other are sensitive to each other needs, and thus able to focus and talk freely. Soul mates are sounding boards for exchanging thoughts and guidance’s. They search for the answers to life’s dilemmas together.

 In more ways than one, in a soul mate relationship, life can be incredibly exciting and comfortable at the same time, because you and your partner may be connected at more levels than you realize.

•          Communication is key.   It's a red flag if you have to call your friends or obtain in PHD to decipher what he or she is trying to communicate to you. For example, you think that you are having meaningful discussions but you always walk away from each feeling more confused. Bottom line:  If you cannot communicate about the simplest of things, you might not be able to build a good relationship arrangement together.

Nine times out of 10, soul mates get each other's nuances and quirks. In short, soul mates truly understand each other, because they operate on the same wavelength. Neither person criticizes or treats the other like a second class citizen. They can talk and hold meaningful, lengthy conversations where each takes a turn speaking as the other listens.

•          Your hopes and dreams are in sync.   In choosing the right partner, one must look for character, not simply looks or personality.  A common interest is present where both have similar interests and ambitions, and goals for the future.

I have personally never taken a compatibility test, but they may just prove to be true. There are many characteristics - including religious values, ambition, passion, and energy level - that determine a couple’s compatibility quotients. But I often wonder how truthful people are that fill out the questionnaire.  Are they marking answers that they ‘wish’ were true about themselves and not the actual truth? The more two people honestly match on these qualities, the better their chances of staying solidly together. 

Simply spending quality time together will eventually tell as well, and that is my personal plan of action. I love spending time with my boyfriend and sometimes can’t get enough of him. I miss him when he is away, yet I realize that time apart is crucial. I sleep better when he is beside me.  My world is a better place when we are together. I believe that is a promising sign on my side. 

•          Your lives change.   For the better!  One of the most telling signs of being with someone whose soul mate material is the emotional growth you've experienced from being in that relationship generates something new - a new experience, a new understanding, a new solution - with each encounter.

Having a soul mate in your life increases awareness and alertness and constantly forces one to confront one’s self. True soul mates can work on their problem areas to connect the faults within each other. Soul mates give each other self-confidence. Together, they have the power to makes dramatic changes.

True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

Our soul mates are our partners, our mirrors, and someone to share all that we are and all that we will become tomorrow, and bottom line, someone to love and someone to love us. We just need to remember that there are times when it is not about us, it is about them, and that is my definition of unconditional love.